"The Under- Minister for Transport" interviewed
concerning Roads and Footpaths.
'A spoof interview written in 2009 and set in the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus'
By
Chris Green
Interviewer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are pleased to welcome the Deputy Assistant Minister for Public Works to our programme tonight.
Minister: Welcome to the programme and thank you for
sparing us some of your valuable time.
M Not at all.
I. So, as Deputy Assistant Minister for Public Works, what do you have to say about the deplorable state of the footpaths in general in this area?
M. We in the Roads Ministry, would actually, generally assess our paved footpath inventory as being classified as 'Tactile Paving'.
I. 'Tactile Paving': Hmmm how would you describe, 'Tactile Paving' ?
M. In the case of Northern Cyprus ,'Tactile Paving' is so termed, because when you trip over on it, you really do feel it!
M. But in answer to your original question, I do agree that there is a great deal
to be said about the footpaths, and indeed roads in this area and in the fullness
of time after due deliberation, consultation and careful consideration, things
will be said, I can assure you!
I.
I see…….. but are you
able to give our audience an early indication of what might or indeed could be
said?
M.
Early indications or
leaks as espoused by the British Labour Party, are not something we at the
ministry indulge in… well not usually, anyway!
I.
Really, why is that?
M.
Frankly, we rarely
have notice of ‘early indications’ ourselves, but I can share with you the
results of sterling work recently carried out by our sub-steering committee for
planning!
I.
Please do, we are all
ears!
M.
With regard to the
footpaths we at the ministry recognize that in the past, developers have used
the term `footpath` rather too literally.
I.
What do you mean by
that?
M.
Well in as much as
the term is written in the singular, so the developers built the footpaths in a
like manner.
I. Ah, so what you mean is the
paths are only wide enough for a single foot?
M.
Of course, well spotted! But we are also conscious that when we
build them wider they are predominantly occupied by parked cars and as we do
not have many widened footpaths, cars are forced to use the Ottoparks [car-parks] when the
footpaths become full and of course, this is an intolerable situation for the
car drivers to be forced to bear!
I.
But surely footpaths
were designed to take foot traffic not vehicles?
M.
Well people walk on them………..to
retrieve their cars…well, they eventually retrieve them...
I.
Goodness me, so have
the sub- steering committee come up with any kind of solution or an outline of
a solution?
M.
They certainly have!
We have our finger on the button here
at the ministry you know!
I.
Well, let us come
back to your last comment later on, but pray, what is the solution being
outlined?
M.
Recognizing that some
of the footpaths are too narrow – cars can’t park- and some not wide enough for
cars to share with pedestrians, we are moving towards an advanced stage of the
consideration process which maybe fast tracked towards the ‘preliminary
proposal’ process leading, in the fullness of time, to a conclusion. (looks
smug)
I.
Which is, Minister?
M.
We will widen the
footpaths!
I.
Really, how wide?
M.
Full lane width. (smiles proudly)
I.
Full lane width!
What, both carriageways?
M.
Of course!
I.
But where will the
traffic go?
M.
Same as they do now.
I.
Let me guess; on the
footpaths?
M.
Tabi: Of course!
I.
And the pedestrians?
M.
On the footpaths as well,
and they would be well advised to do so, for reasons of safety!
I.
So what you are
saying is that motor vehicles and pedestrians are going to share the same
pavement.
M.
Yes; exactly as now
but on a wider and greatly improved scale! You see all this is part of a far
reaching scheme for a revolutionary ITS or Its!
I.
Meaning?
M.
Integrated Transport
System.
I.
So in this case,
mingling pedestrians with motor vehicles is interpreted by the Ministry as `
Integrated`?
M.
Yes and let me tell
you it took quite some figuring out at the highest levels of the ministry typing pool (chokes) erm Think-Tank!
I.
I cannot help
thinking that this proposal will compromise public safety.
M.
Well hang on, it
hasn’t reached the dizzy heights of a’ proposal’ yet, but no, on the contrary
we believe that statistically and on balance, safety will in fact improve.
I.
How on earth do you
work that out?
M.
Under the present
system pedestrians transit from one side of the carriageway to the other side
by way of by way of concentrated killing zones.
I. Meaning
Pedestrian Crossings?
M.
Yes; a rather a quaint little colonial
term isn’t it! We believe that by integrating pedestrians and cars there will
be no need for these tiresome crossing points and we will remove them at an
early stage of the construction process!
M.
Furthermore we believe that `ITS Possible` - That was my idea as it was
my turn to have one; an idea, that is! (smug, proud smile again)
I.
Inspired I am sure!
So are there any other moments of inspiration at the Ministry you might share
with us?
M.
Indeed there are!
In the unlikely event
of this part of the world being dragged into the EU, ITS will have to be
extended to encompass EU norms and transport is key. We, having a finger on the button, will carry out
early experiments beginning in the ITS by forcing cars and scooters to begin
driving on the left hand side. If, as we expect, this proves to be successful, lorries
and coaches will follow suit after a trial period!
I.
Of how long??
M.
That will of course
depend on EU directives, but probably a month or so.
I.
But you haven’t
mention Dolmus traffic. Where will they go?
M.
As they do now, we
wouldn’t wish to disrupt the smooth running of the Integrated Transport System.
I.
As they do now; you
mean on the footpaths?
M.
Of course,
Integrated: ITS Possible!
I.
You will have white
lines and other helpful road markings?
M.
Whatever for? You
don’t have white lines on footpaths and anyway, that would involve another idea
and we are not due another of those for a year or so at least!
I.
Ok, so to conclude,
can I take you back to a remark you made on at least two occasions concerning
having a `finger on the button` at
the ministry. Whose is the finger?
M.
We take very
seriously the important role of having a finger
on the button at all times, Friday afternoons and weekends excepting of
course as you no doubt understand.
I.
Of course!
M.
Members of a
specially selected team of dedicated button monitors share the role on what
might loosely be described as a rota, but in practice is slightly more flexible.
I.
Meaning?
M.
It depends upon who of any of
them is in the office, at any given time!
M.
But recognizing our role
as an employer in respect of career development, one of the typing pool is
being fast track groomed as a button monitor, except on Mondays.
I.
Why not Mondays?
M.
She can’t do Mondays;
she is never in on Mondays!
I.
But is the button
ever pressed?
M.
Pressed!! [chokes and becomes animated] The ministry
button pressed! Dearie me no, that… goodness me, oh dear the very thought of
it! – no no, the ministry button is never pressed! That is unheard of ,
unprecedented.
N.
Look, the ministry button needs a finger upon it, in order to monitor it, so
as to prevent it being pressed which, were it to be so, costly implications
might ensue such, for example, as a ‘highly trained’ road working team being
scrambled to say, Fix a pot hole, which of course we don’t have here, we have Tactile Paving, so in
order to prevent this, it is essential that the button is monitored to prevent
the inadvertent pressing of the said button.
I.
Very enlightening; but in the event of a true
emergency which might otherwise imply that the button should be pressed but we
now know that can never be, what happens?
M.
Simple; we get the
Turkish Protection Forces to do what is required, usually at their expense, and
then do what we always do in such instances.
I.
Which is what?
M. We blame the Greeks!
I.
Deputy Assistant
Minister, thank you very much.
M.
Not at all!
Christopher J Green
Girne 2009.
