Thursday, 12 July 2018

Senior's Banking

                                              "Senior’s Banking" 

Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman. The bank manager concerned, thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honour it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it

doesn't take much to piss us off.

Beşparmak Media Services

Thursday, 14 September 2017

Summoned by Hills

Bee Orchid

Sun kissed beaches cooled by cobalt blue seas
Palms sway as might a willow soporific in the breeze
Hibiscus and Bougainvillea comforts gently all around
Carpet like covering, spreading, beautifying the ground
Sheltered by the limestone hills of the Beşparmak mountain range
Guarding for many a millenia, watching all the change.

Imagine now the Five Fingers mountain, extending hands and arms
Holding you as might a Father comfortıng against life`s harms
Mosques and Churches standing side by side for four hundred years or more
Mixed faiths in harmony be they rich or poor
Muezzin and Church bells sing the self same song
God is God and loves us all; in Whom we all belong.

Ancient forts dominate yet reminds of past and present strife
Yet this wounded isle recovers and continues on in life
For as the sun rises in the morning granting gentle light
It leaves us in the evening bestowing peaceful night
And the palms sway as might a willow soporific in the breeze
The beaches caressed and cooled as ever by translucent, cobalt seas.

Chris Green
9th December 2008. Girne.

CJG08 Rights Reserved

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Fall from Grace

Flown scheduled on Concorde and ‘touched’ the stars
Now walking in subways, beneath the cars.
From speeches made in the Albert Hall,
To mooching around the shopping mall
In a dead man’s shoes from a charity store...
Guessing he didn’t need them anymore.

And from dining with Presidents and leaders of state
To ‘Socially Excluded’, maybe even a figure of hate.
Yet having long borne the burdens of many upon his plate
Now himself facing an uncertain fate.
Detached as he is now from the City’s madding throng,
That world now precluded-he no longer belongs.

But free to catch a one-pound bus ride
And try to find a place to hide
To contemplate that perhaps inevitable suicide;
Maybe conjure a method, a suitable way
And scribe a few last lines to say...
But inspiration for neither will come this day. 

Soon darkness comes and it’s time to roam,
To what now passes for a home
An empty room to be alone
With only old demons in his mind to moan
And remind him that daylight’s comfort is yet hours away
That tomorrow is – sadly- yet another day.

Christopher J Green (May 2011)